gumpiness doesn't translate over the phone

Summer has begun! And it feels unreal that it's actually here. I'm home and enjoying the peace for now...no tests, professors, or full parking lots. I can sleep. I eat real food. However, I do need a job and they are scarce in my area. I am worried about my impending "cashlessness"-not that I had much in the first place, but I do need to find something. I have been given a few small opportunities to earn a little cash and will be doing some of those things in the next few weeks, but after that, I will be left to my own devices.

My b.f. surprised me the other night by coming down for a few hours, mostly to be with his family for Mother's Day, but he managed to swing by around 11 on Saturday night and I kept him out late, but boy, it was good to see him. We hadn't been together since Spring Break, which was only about a month and a half ago, but felt like forever. I don't know how I'm going to do another year at school, I hate the distance...sometimes it seems unbearable. I know we have cell phones and the mail, but there's something about being with someone...seeing their expressions when they talk, just being together...it only happens in person. The other night was a prime example:

I was in a bad mood, for various reasons, and I didn't particuarly want to talk...I just wanted to be...but not alone (typical complicated female emotions). J. called and I answered. I wanted to be close, but I discovered quickly that I didn't want to talk at all, and try as I might, my words seemed grumpy and flat...pretty soon his usual long-standing patience had been tested to the limit, and he was on the verge of grumpiness too. The rest of the conversation just went downhill. After we hung up, I felt so terrible. Here I was in a bad mood, but worse, I had just dragged him in to it. In the end, I had to explain to him that I had just wanted to be with him...not saying anything, but just being. You can't just "be" on the phone, you can't lean on a strong shoulder, or cry on a warm neck, or share a smile about a private joke. You can't reach over and grab a trusted hand, or look into each others eyes..it just doesn't work when you're not there in person and that's hard. I miss my guy so much. But I guess it does make me treasure the time we have together so much more, and he's done so well with the distance thing-especially now that we're both long distance. I truly couldn't ask for a more understanding guy, so thanks J., you're the best. :)