faith and the future

"What is faith? It is the confident assurance that what we hope for is going to happen. It is the evidence of things we cannot yet see."-Hebrews 11:1 (NLT)

I was re-reading some of my older posts this evening and came across one from roughly a year ago (a little less). In it, I mentioned that my former roommate was apprehensive about her college graduation because she felt like it would be the "end of her youth". I basically wrote that I didn't understand why she would feel that way because college (at least in my experience) has been somewhat of a drag. Well, these days, I'm in her shoes. I don't dread graduation, but I am beginning to understand more of where she was coming from. In truth, I am excited about being done, but I am nervous at once, because, as I mentioned in the old post, I've never known anything other than school in some form or other. Now, I am faced with the reality that school-or my time as a student-will be a thing of the past in short order, and I will be immediately faced with several very hefty problems: 1.) I will be (once again) jobless, and 2.) I will soon begin to receive some very, very LARGE bills in the mail from various college loan companies. Honestly, these two issues have been like a weight hanging around my neck for some time, and I feel torn. In a sense, I just want to get on with things and begin working to pay off those huge loans, and in another sense, I just want to isolate myself from the world and pretend like college has been a dream...I know, that is not an option, but the fact that I will be faced with the bills, on top of not having a job in the foreseeable future is enough to set my stomach to churning. I know I spend a lot of time writing about being jobless. The fact is, I have not really been "jobless" for a while...just not making anything. Last summer was hard because I was not technically employed, however, I did do small jobs that earned me enough to pay my bills. Fall semester, I student taught, which was an 18 week, full-time, 45-55 hr./wk. job, but because it was a requirement for school, it was not a paid position-something that was a cause of GREAT frustration after coming off a summer making just enough to scrape by (a refund from school loans and my generous parents helped me through student teaching). As of now, I have a part-time job in town, however, it is only temporary-until graduation and it is also not full-time (not that I could do full-time now anyway with school). Anyway, I'm not sure why I am typing all of this...I'm sure I just need to vent, but I guess I'm just saying that I can sympathize with what my roommate was going through last year. Yes, I am dreading graduation for different reasons, but it is the same fear of the unknown she worried so much about that is now weighing so heavily on me. In my heart, I know that I need to have faith. Over the past few months, I've really been thinking about the choices I made 5 years ago when I was choosing colleges. Actually, that story goes back to 7th grade when I began to feel like I was being lead to attend a Christian university after high school graduation. I spent years praying and searching for the right school and in the end made my decision. The school was fairly prestigious (as much as a Christian school can be) and yes, it was expensive, but prayer after prayer was answered and loans, and scholarship applications, and registration paperwork all went through miraculously on time-even in the face of deadlines. I remember specifically one day, working on a scholarship essay on a Monday afternoon after school. I had just found out about the scholarship opportunity, and it turned out that the deadline was 12, noon, the Wednesday of that week. I had 1.5 days to get the essay written, sent (from the PNW), and received in Illinois. I wrote the essay in record time (20 minutes-it was all I had), and printed it off just in time to hand it to mom who ran it to the post office. The post office was closing as mom pulled up, but she convinced them to let her in to send the essay via air-mail. Even so, the postal clerk was skeptical that it would arrive at the school in time to make the deadline. Somehow, that envelope made the 2,000 mile trip and was processed and delivered in less than 24 hours, and I got an e-mail confirmation from the admissions office the next afternoon. And yes, I received the scholarship. Things like this happened so often during my first year of college that there was NEVER one doubt in my mind that I was where I was supposed to be. After my first year of college, I transferred (due to realizing that my goal of becoming a doctor was just not going to happen-my brain is not wired for chemistry and math) to a small college that I had never heard of, and wouldn't have heard of if it hadn't been for my roommate at the first school. Again, I was accepted and loans transferred, and paperwork went through at the last minute and once again, I knew I was in the right place. Anyway, like I wrote, I've been reminding myself of these events in the past months-reminding myself that God brought me here...there is NO WAY I would be sitting at this cramped little desk, 1,925 miles from home, about ready to receive a college degree (first in my immediate family, first 4-yr. in my extended family) if God had not made provision. I don't know where I will find work, or how, or how long it will take, and I don't understand how I am going to pay my bills, but God does. He is in here with me in the present-knowing my fears and frustrations, and he is in the future, paving a way as I type this. Maybe things won't turn out so neatly, and maybe I will have to file loan extensions and jump through a thousand hoops, and maybe I'll even be homeless (i.e. living with family) for a time, but one way or the other, God will provide for my needs-He brought me here and has provided for me each time I've needed it since I've been at school, and He will do it again. He knew years ago that there was no way my grades were good enough, or that I could afford the college that I felt He wanted me to attend, and He made a way-He will do the same in the coming year.