ldr

My college career will be ending in just a few short weeks and I was thinking tonight about memories that stick out the most in my mind. I'd like to do a series of posts on some of my favorite/most memorable memories from college, but I'll start that later. Tonight, I wanted to write about LDRs. For those of you who don't know what that means-be thankful! LOL! A LDR is a Long-Distance Relationship. So far, I'm 3 for 3 in that department-I've never been in a relationship that was fully local. My first two relationships didn't last long for various reasons, but those, and the one I'm currently in have taught me some things about the whole "let's date from afar" thing. However, let me be clear: I would not wish the long-distance struggle on anyone...it is truly a trying ordeal. But all is not lost. If you are lucky (as I have been in my current relationship), you will find someone who is willing to fight the distance battle WITH you (not for you or against you...it won't work that way), someone willing to put their own desires and needs aside and work through the separation alongside you. If you are able to find that person, the end of the tunnel will be clear through all the frustration and resentment that is felt at times. In my current relationship, I am the one who initially separated us. I left state for college and thus, 9 months of the year, we are super-long distance (2,000 miles). Since we began dating, he has taken a job out of state as well, and now we are semi- long-distance 100% of the time, though when I am at home we are within a day's driving distance. As the first to create distance in our relationship, I felt a certain amount of guilt for dragging him into something so tough, but he has been nothing but good to me. Yes, there have been some rough times, but we've, thus far, been able to see it through. All in all, if you are considering a LDR, please, please read the following list carefully and know that EACH item listed is CRUCIAL to making a LDR work. I've felt the need to write this post for some time because of what I have learned...if what I've learned or been through can be of help or encourage someone else, it's a worth-while post to write.

When entering into a LDR, each partner must be able to:

-Trust Fully -If there is a suspicion that there could be any kind of infidelity-address it immediately, otherwise, the jealous/suspicious partner will drive the relationship...straight onto the rocks.

-Isolate Themselves Against Feeling Too Much -This sounds harsh, but I've learned the hard way that letting your emotions reign supreme when neither of you is able to change the current situation is both pointless and frustrating (this is something that I believe is usually harder for the female than for the male-because we are naturally more emotionally driven).

-Love Deeply -Your feelings for the other person must be able to extend through any situation. You won't always be able to see their face or hold their hand, but you must be able to hang on to those sensations and be secure in the knowledge of what the other person means to you. If you lose sight of this, the relationship will seem to lose value.

-Communicate Always - It's not healthy to be in communication every second of every day (24/7/365 - trust me, I experienced this kind of LDR- it did not have a good outcome), but it's also unhealthy to take the attitude that "It doesn't matter, we can't be together tonight anyway, so we don't need to talk"...Yes, you do. Maybe not every. single. day., but at least a few times a week. You need to share everything-from frustrations about the relationship, to mundane daily activities. (On the bright side, a long-distance, phone-driven relationship can actually help you develop sensitivity to the voice of the other person-you will be able to tell a lot by their voice, and this will help you in your in-person interactions when you discover that you are not as able to read facial expressions as couples who date locally. It's also good to develop coping mechanisms like inside jokes that you can default to during rough talks.) Both parties must be willing and able to listen and provide support for the other partner...because you WILL need mutual support.

-Be Positive...a majority of the time - Things will naturally be hard, but 90% of the time, try to stay upbeat. This one is tough for me. J. has really been the one in our relationship to remain positive through everything, and it's his positive attitude and outlook that has enabled me to have one too on many occasions. I tend to be melancholy, and at times, very self-centered. A consistent negative attitude will wear both partners down. I struggle with this issue the most personally, but it is something that I can't leave off the list. I have found that the more positive both of us are, the better things go.

I know, each relationship and personality is different, and different relationships will need different levels of each of these things, however, each point is very important and needs to be addressed when considering a long-distance relationship. Also, there will be people who will tell you that you can't do it (One day, I was asked about my relationship status. When I mentioned that I was doing the long-distance thing, this person actually had the nerve to say "Might as well say good-bye to that one." I'm proud to say that was over a year and a half ago, and we're still going strong)...to them I say, "YES YOU CAN!"...It just takes lots of work, lots of trust, and lots of love.