what the heck, why not

I had to log in to leave a comment on another blog and figured, why not write one myself. Not that much has happened in like the 5 days since I've written, but that's ok. I will be on to my next adventure in about 48 hours. The time has come for me to travel back to school, which, honestly, I'm dreading. I've mentioned before that each time I've had to return to school over the last two or so years, has been harder than the time before. *Fingers cossed that this will be my last year* and hopefully there will be just a few more goodbyes until, as my b.f. puts it, "No more good-byes, it's only hello." I've been so blessed to be able to attend college away from home and haven't really dealt with as much homesickness as I could have, or seen others go through, but being away from those you love and who love you, is difficult to say the least, especially having gone to college knowing no one at my school or in the area. All of my relationships at school and in that part of the country have been built from nothing, and no one I know at home knows the people at school and vice versa...I guess it's kind of like living two lives in a way. Not so much that I'm two people as I'm just this one person living two lives half-a-continent apart and trying to integrate myself in to both of them. I guess it's helped me grow up, but sometimes it still feels like I'm living two separate lives-I mean, I have two beds, two sets of clothing, two desks, two planners, two cars (my Honda at school, the old family car that I drive when I'm home)...it's just a little weird is what I'm trying to say, and I'm glad that this dual existence is limited to just another year or so. :)

-Me.

provided for

It never ceases to amaze me how God provides in times of need. From past experience, I should know to never doubt his provision: time and again, He has provided something I needed at exactly the right time...but over the passing of days and months, I tend to forget such things until the next time I'm in need. Selfish, huh? Anyway, a friend recommended a house-sitting job to me a few days ago, and I went and met the homeowner today to get approval for the job, and also, to learn what needed to be taken care of during my stay. Not only did I get the house-sitting job, but the homeowner also said that she would put me in contact with someone else for another job. I am so thankful for the house-sitting job and some new options for work this summer. I may not be working steadily, but my needs are being provided for. Thanks God.

gumpiness doesn't translate over the phone

Summer has begun! And it feels unreal that it's actually here. I'm home and enjoying the peace for now...no tests, professors, or full parking lots. I can sleep. I eat real food. However, I do need a job and they are scarce in my area. I am worried about my impending "cashlessness"-not that I had much in the first place, but I do need to find something. I have been given a few small opportunities to earn a little cash and will be doing some of those things in the next few weeks, but after that, I will be left to my own devices.

My b.f. surprised me the other night by coming down for a few hours, mostly to be with his family for Mother's Day, but he managed to swing by around 11 on Saturday night and I kept him out late, but boy, it was good to see him. We hadn't been together since Spring Break, which was only about a month and a half ago, but felt like forever. I don't know how I'm going to do another year at school, I hate the distance...sometimes it seems unbearable. I know we have cell phones and the mail, but there's something about being with someone...seeing their expressions when they talk, just being together...it only happens in person. The other night was a prime example:

I was in a bad mood, for various reasons, and I didn't particuarly want to talk...I just wanted to be...but not alone (typical complicated female emotions). J. called and I answered. I wanted to be close, but I discovered quickly that I didn't want to talk at all, and try as I might, my words seemed grumpy and flat...pretty soon his usual long-standing patience had been tested to the limit, and he was on the verge of grumpiness too. The rest of the conversation just went downhill. After we hung up, I felt so terrible. Here I was in a bad mood, but worse, I had just dragged him in to it. In the end, I had to explain to him that I had just wanted to be with him...not saying anything, but just being. You can't just "be" on the phone, you can't lean on a strong shoulder, or cry on a warm neck, or share a smile about a private joke. You can't reach over and grab a trusted hand, or look into each others eyes..it just doesn't work when you're not there in person and that's hard. I miss my guy so much. But I guess it does make me treasure the time we have together so much more, and he's done so well with the distance thing-especially now that we're both long distance. I truly couldn't ask for a more understanding guy, so thanks J., you're the best. :)

g.k. chesterton quote

One of my favorite bloggers posted this quote from G.K. Chesterton today and I just love it.

“Because children have abounding vitality, because they are in spirit fierce and free, therefore they want things repeated and unchanged. They always say, “Do it again”; and the grown-up person does it again until he is nearly dead. For grown-up people are not strong enough to exult in monotony. But perhaps God is strong enough to exult in monotony. It is possible that God says every morning, “Do it again” to the sun; and every evening, “Do it again” to the moon. It may not be automatic necessity that makes all daisies alike; it may be that God makes every daisy separately, but has never got tired of making them. It may be that He has the eternal appetite of infancy; for we have sinned and grown old, and our Father is younger than we.”

The quote reminds me of an episode of the Twilight Zone where a bunch of old people in a nursing home break out at night and become kids again. I like to imagine that God is somehow both younger and older than us at once, it's a beautiful picture.

almost there

I know I've been "saying" it for a while now, but really, I'm almost there...the end of the school year has finally arrived and there are just a few more hours until summer begins. It's going to be hard to say goodbye to my roommate for the last time. We've lived together for nearly 2 years and she's by far, the best roommate I've had. Ashley and I are very similar and just kind of walk to our own beat. We think alike, were into the same stuff as kids, had some of the same experiences as teenagers, are both only girls in large families of boys, and we were born just four days apart-she's basically the twin I didn't have. Losing her to the wide, wide world will be though, but she will go out and make something of herself. :)

As sad as I am to be bidding farewell to friends, I am also very much looking forward to home. I've said it before, but for me, being away from home has gotten harder rather than easier each time I've had to come back to school. This year has been the most trying. Maybe it's because I've not only had to be away from my family, but J. as well, or maybe I just crave the privacy and comfort of home, whatever it is, it will be nice to get back.

Anyway, the following is a verse that I like to keep in mind when things are stressful or trying...kind of fitting for these last few hours of stress before the summer,

"Fear not for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine. When you pass through the waters, I wil be with you; and when you pass through the rivers they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze. For I am the LORD, your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior...Do not be afraid, for I am with you."-Isaiah 43:1b-3, and 5A.

papers, papers, papers

Pages written in the last week: 22
Papers finished: 3
Papers left to write: 5
Level of drive or desire to finish papers: 0

I need some lasting inspiration in a hurry.

sleepless, but not in seattle (or the pnw)

The semester is so close to being done that I feel it (you know, that lazy, "I have no reason to do this assignment" feeling)...but just far enough away that I can't give up yet. My roommate who is graduating this year (as I should be-changing majors will do that to a person), is dreading graduation. According to Ash, these are the last weeks of her youth and she is worried about the future and the increasing adult responsibilities. I get what she's feeling, but maybe because my graduation's a whole year away, I have this idea that graduating would be a huge weight gone off my back. Come to think of it, I've been in school every year since kindergarten, so I don't know anything else. No more school sounds fantastically freeing, but who knows, maybe I'll be feeling apprehensive at this time next year too. Unfortunately for me, even graduating won't get me away from academia. My degree in education will help ensure that I remain school-bound for a very long time...kind of humorous in a way.

Anyway, life has been business as usual with plenty of research, writing, and work happening. I wrote a 13 page paper in just a few hours the other night which was amazing for me because I'm about the slowest writer on the face of the planet. I so envy those people who can whip out a two-pager in a half hour. It can take me up to an hour a page (double spaced) to write something, which is incredibly frustrating. I like to blame my turtle-ish writing habits on perfectionist tendencies, but I don't really think that's truthful, I think I'm just a slow writer.

Changing the subject, along with a trip home coming into sight in the near future, I am now planning on taking a trip to Ohio to see relatives later in the summer. My family has been planning the trip for about a year, but I decided I was going to stay home and work, however, with the job market as it is at home (a 12.5 percent jobless rate and growing everyday due to several major store closings) and knowing how hard it was to find work last summer (50 applications, 2 call-backs and subsequently canceled interviews-I gardened for friends to stay afloat), I decided last week that I am going to go on the trip-job or no. I have never met my family in Ohio and this kind of seems like the last opportunity to meet them before I'm out of my parent's house. Also, my grandparents are celebrating their 50th anniversary back there, and I'm not too keen on missing that. Buckeyes here I come. Ash (my roommate) is coincidentally from Ohio, so there's a chance that I will be able to visit her while I'm there as well.

Well, it is now 4:45 am and I'm not getting a whole lot done sitting here on blogger, so I'm going to go try to do something productive (besides sleep-there is no time).

Goodmorning-

Me.